Dear Sadie Hawkins,

I had a terrifying experience at school the other day. 

I had a meeting that took up most of my morning, and got to school with an hour left before the end of the day and the time when I had to start teaching.  I stepped into my office to find two students waiting for me, which isn't that out of the ordinary.  I sat down at my desk to eat my lunch and another student showed up to accomplish the work he could not do after school.  We were sitting there, reading through his essay when the loud speaker comes on:

"Teachers, stop teaching right now.  Everyone turn your TVs to channel 20 for this important announcement.  Stop teaching and turn your TVs to channel 20."

It was still a half an hour until the end of the day announcements and the voice over the loud speaker was stern and scary.  An announcement at this point in the day could only mean that something horrible had happened.  There was a shooter in the neighborhood, an accident that would prevent students from leaving school as planned at 2 PM, our nation was under attack.  This last one stuck with me.  I was in school on September 11, 2001 and though there was no announcement over the loud speaker then, I could feel myself start to memorize the situation.  I would remember where I was on November 14, 2013.  Whatever was about to be announced was important.  Did I need to call my parents? Did I need to cancel after school session? What was so important?

There is a TV in my office but it is disconnected.  If we really want to see what's on the TV we step out into the hallway and view the TV in the classroom of the English teacher across the hall.  Usually this works with the daily announcements as her door is usually open, however, since it was the middle of the last class of the day, her door was closed.  We stepped out of our closet of an office, my student more than happy to abandon his essay, and knocked on her door so that we could see what was on TV.

On the TV there is a group of students huddled around a microphone reading a statement off a sheet of paper.

"We hear that some of you are thinking about boycotting the Sadie Hawkins dance tonight."

What? The important announcement was about the Sadie Hawkins dance? Homecoming had not gone well at our high school (dirty dancing, drinking, things that plague high school dances everywhere) and there were new rules put in place.  There would be more chaperones, mandatory breathalyzing and a disciplinary system involving wristbands.  These rules were a part of my high school dance experience and I was surprised it had taken this long for them to reach this particular high school.

"Please do not boycott the dance due to the new rules.  Many students have put in hours of their own time to plan this event.  If there is low attendance at this dance, there will not be as many events in the future."

The announcement goes on for a while but I stopped paying attention now that my heart could return to a normal pace.  No need for alarm; it was not an act of terrorism but teenagers.  My student and I walked back to my office as the English teacher tried to regain control of her classroom after the announcement.  

So, I can't say that I will remember where I was on November 14, 2013, but I will remember the Sadie Hawkins Dance and the disregard shown by the student body.  


love,
hannah

Dear September,

And thus, I begin the annual endeavor to listen to Earth, Wind and Fire's masterpiece "September" every day in the month of September.  I didn't do well on this quest last year, but I had a new friend who would surprise me when he remembered the song and start playing it.  While yesterday's listening happened after midnight, I'm still counting it for September 1st.  Yesterday's listening happened with so many of my close friends letting loose on the dance floor in someone' living room.  Today I wandered around parts of Minneapolis I had never seen before.  Tomorrow I will prepare to go back to school and get things done for America, among other things. 


To the start of another school year without being a student...

love,
hannah

Dear dry shampoo,

Oh. My. God.

This is going to sound silly, but you're legitimately amazing.  I'd heard about dry shampoo and thought that it was a good idea but it's actually something else! Dry shampoo is genius.  What is this? Why did I not do this sooner? I don't know if this changes everything, but I may spend a future fortune on dry shampoo. 

What a discovery. 


love,
hannah

Dear sectum sepra,

A student walked into my office today and just said "sectum sepra" like it was a hello. 

Me: Why did you say that? Be careful with that... I don't want anyone bleeding on my floor because of your sectum sepra.
Student: I don't know. 

You can tell we are a week away from the end of the school year.  I cannot wait to be released, and at the same time HOW IN THE WORLD CAN THIS BE? Where did time go? Didn't I just arrange my desk a little while ago? It's strange because I was counting down to the end of first post grad year, but I was not keeping track of the school year.  I'm almost done with one term of service and gearing up for another.  Soon my students will be on their way to college and waiting to see me cry at graduation.

They really want to see me cry.  Let lose another sectum sepra and I might...


love,
hannah

Dear one year,

The first thing I thought when I woke up today was, "I've got to call my mom."

The second thing I thought when I woke up today was, "It's been one year since I graduated from college."  A friend remarked yesterday, "I don't know how you can remember that."  It's easy, it was May 12, 2012 (the twelve thing makes it easy to remember) and I have it marked on my wrist. 

 

I had this bracelet made last summer, after a discussion about what we would get tattooed on our bodies.  I don't want a tattoo, but I love this quote.  It comes from Salman Rushdie's The Ground Beneath Her Feet, mentioned here before.  It says "My heart broke open and history fell in."  While I like to think that this quote captures something about my college years, I think that it more accurately describes what I hope I will do in the future.  This bracelet sits on my wrist with other silver bracelets (recently complimented by one of the secretaries at school) and most of the time I forget about it; it has become a part of my daily uniform.  But sometimes I remember this thing which I had made, and it makes me happy. 

Someone, probably a recent graduate themselves, told me before I graduated that this was going to basically be the worst year of my life.  So I prepared for that.  I approached this year as if it was going to be horrible, and worked to mitigate the horribleness.  Hopefully that would make me happy, or at least less unhappy.  Because of this, I thought that once the year had passed there would be a sort of magical lifting.  The year would be up.

How in the world has it been a year? Nothing has happened.  That's not entirely true, but it feels that way.  I will say this about the year being up: I only know it is here, because I have been planning for it.  Otherwise, I probably would have looked up from a book next weekend as my friends are graduating across town and think, "Wow, it's been a year since I graduated."  If I hadn't been waiting for today, I wouldn't have known because there is no magical lifting.  At some point during this year I stopped counting.  Living outside of the countdown is a wonderful thing.  But, I have found other ways to count this time.  During this year I moved three times, watched three whole TV shows (one was Sports Night, so that doesn't really count), administered five practice ACT tests, traveled to Chicago eight times, and read 42 books.

The last one is probably the most important.  (Especially since my goal for 2013 is to read 42 books, so this proves that it's possible.)  I only had two plans leaving graduation: Don't be miserable and read a lot.  In college, you read a lot, but all the fun is gone.  You're reading for meaning, or to critique or to pass a class, not because you want to read.  I wanted to read whatever I wanted after graduation, and that has been the best thing that I've done for myself.  Some of them have been as moving and as powerful as The Ground Beneath Her Feet, one was required, many were by John Green, some were re-read, which I don't do that often.  several were gifts and many were passed on.  I only gave up on one (Sorry Ethan); Angle of Repose.  But many family members love it, so I might give it another try when I'm not keeping watch over an incredibly hot church.  During this year I have also made new friends, learned to cook better, even made my bed, but this is they way I choose to measure this year, because it wasn't horrible.

I read: The Handmaid's Tale, Sense and Sensibility, The Shadow of the Wind, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Night Circus, Spook, The Invention of Hugo Cabret, Maus 1: My Father Bleeds History, Maus 2: And Here My Troubles Began, Blueprints for Building Better Girls, A Hope in the Unseen, Ella Enchanted, The Enchantress of Florence, The Kissing List, The Angel's Game, An Abundance of Katherines, Good for the Jews, Water for Elephants, The Age of Miracles, The Metamorphosis, Lolita, Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrel, Lizz Free or Die, The Fault in Our Stars, The Book Thief, I'm Starved for You (Positron #1), Choke Collar (Positron #2), Erase Me (Positron #3), We Killed: The Rise of Women in American Comedy, Rules of Civility, Behind the Beatiful Forevers, Feasting and Fasting, Start Here: Read Your Way Into 25 Amazing Authors, Eleanor and Park, How to Be a Woman, Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns, When She Woke, Stupid Perfect World, The Space Between Us, Brave New World, and The Great Gatsby.  I am currently reading The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver and working on Jews and Words (very slowly). 

I have already given my advice in a previous post, so I will just say this:
To the Class of 2012, we did it! We can stop counting!
To my mother, sorry that you haven't been able to smell for a year.

love,
hannah

Dear chartreuse,

It was once said, "Chartreuse is the color of choice."  Or, rather, it was once overheard in a hot dog place.  But chartreuse is busting out all over the place! It's exploding from every tree, especially along the river, which has finally stopped feeling gray.  

Chartreuse, it's lovely to have you back, even when you're going to be replaced by much deeper hues soon.  

love,

hannah

Dear Dan Rydell,

How could I have ever fallen for Casey McCall? I mean really.  Casey is not bad by means, but how did I ever overlook Dan Rydell. 

For those of you that don't know Dan Rydell is fictional.  He is one of the characters on Sports Night played by Josh Charles.  I love Sports Night.  It is the best and it is the best thing in the world for procrastinating and after eleven months of working hard it is now time for some procrastination. Between now and the end of June I have to write 35 detailed letters of recommendation for my fantastic students.  They are great, but writing a letter takes lots of thought and time.  Which means I need to find ways to procrastinate and nothing is better than Sports Night.

But seriously Dan Rydell is the best.  I don't know that I can articulate it at this moment but Dan Rydell is super dreamy.  Also neurotic.  The first few times I watched Sports Night I was all about Casey.  Maybe I've grown up. 

However, and please forgive my fangirling, this time through I'm shipping Dan/Natalie.  Something I've never done before.  Also the first time I have shipped a non-canon couple.  Maybe I haven't grown up.


love,
hannah

Dear skirt day,

Yesterday was Skirt Day in the metro Twin Cities area.  Oh, you don't know what Skirt Day is? Skirt Day is the first day in the spring when the weather allows you to wear a skirt with bare legs.  I have a history of missing Skirt Day, then attempting to make it up later inevitably picking a day that is not meant for skirts with bare legs.  However, in 2013, I knew it was coming.  I was prepared for Skirt Day.  It was beautiful.  The sun came out, there's still mounds of snow on the ground, but Minnesota changes so quickly. 

Suddenly the weather changes, everyone starts smiling and things don't seem so scary.  However, this is the first time when this change hasn't been connected with finals. 


love,
hannah

Dear eleven months,

As today comes to a close, I realized that today is April 12, exactly eleven months after graduation.  This year, which I dreaded, has almost come to end.  I've found a way to remember it, marked on my wrist in silver, but I almost forgot.

Somewhere along the way I stopped counting because it just became my life, and not my life after.

Last weekend I went to my last college party.  It was a friend's birthday and I wanted to catch up with friends, but as the party went on I realized I knew almost no one.  Or, I recognized them but now they were all grown up with friends and shmoozy party habits and not the loud freshman I remember.  I didn't want to dance, I wanted to sit and catch up in the corner.  I am old.  While I had fun, I realized I couldn't really go back anymore.

However, I learned a lot by talking to friends in the corner.  In part I learned that the communities I was a part of are still as crazy as ever, if not more so.  The more important part was speaking with friends who are coming up on their own graduation.  When I spoke with them in the fall I shared the only advice I had, "You're going to have all the feelings, all at once, all the time.  This seems to be completely normal."  But in the summer and fall I got vague responses, "yeah, I bet."  Now it is spring and the responses are completely different.  "I get it.  I can't describe it.  I can't leave.  I can't say... I don't know what to say."  In part I felt vindicated for all the feelings last year, and in part I was just their listener.

I have little advice, but here it is:
-You will have all of the feelings, all at once, all the time.
-You won't be able to properly describe it.
-You should find someone who gets it without you having to say every word.
-You should talk to them often.
-You should check in with your parents.
-You should leave the house.
-You should take deep breaths.
-You should let yourself cry.
-You should set small goals.
-You should celebrate the rediscovery of your Sunday.
-You should know that at some point you stop counting.
-You don't have to have a plan.

April really comes before May? For four years I feel like April came before finals which came before summer.  What is April into May? What will this be like?


love,
hannah

Dear spring break,

There are some things that don't change when you are no longer student. 

I still get sucked into YouTube. 
I still stay up too late. 
I still buy some microwavable meals. 
But, most importantly, I still can't wait for spring break. 

Four more days, many more tasks. 


love,
hannah

Dear Casmir Pulaski Day,

You are the day when I most wish I was in Chicago. You are a silly holiday and I miss you. You are also a sad Sufjan song.
You are now a day when I have to work. A lot.

love,
Hannah

Dear Keeping the Faith,

There is a unique pleasure in sharing a movie you love with someone who gets it.


love,
hannah

Dear February,

This is the time of year when the ice melts during the day and then spends all night freezing again.  I hate it.  At least it's not as cold, which means that winter sausage season is over.  (Winter sausage describes when I wear tights, leggings and long underwear so that I can wear a skirt in the winter.  It's successful in the sense that I can wear a skirt.  It is unsuccessful in the sense that I would usually feel sick at the end of the day due to the compression of my stomach.  Oh, the things we do for style.)

February has been a challenge.  There are some aspects that I knew were coming, but plenty of surprises.  And some, a combination of both, like losing my grandfather at the beginning of the month.  I had been warned that work would change around this time of the year.  My tutoring relationship has become strained recently, although I like to think that we've cleared that hurdle.  I'm not sure what to say.  I've felt disconnected from my home, my work and my present this month, but I think that I'm finding my way back.  Truly, there's no other way.  There's been a lot of in between and sudden change that has had to be incorporated into my life quickly.  I haven't read much.  I've watched a lot of Buffy.  That felt... fine?

I've given myself a certain amount of time to catch up and get back into my routine but now I have to remind myself of advice someone gave my grandmother three weeks ago: "Always go out.  When someone calls to invite you to dinner, even when your food is sitting on the plate in front of you, say yes.  Put the food in the refrigerator and go meet your friend."  I think this is the best advice, for the recently widowed and the recently graduated.  It's hard to follow, but recently it's led me to a bar with some great people watching, and probably to a 90's dance party this weekend.  It's time to get back to challenging myself.  Some goals and New Year's resolutions were thrown off kilter by my travel home at the beginning of the month.  So, let's set them right.

1.  I'm going to cook a meal every Sunday that I can eat throughout the rest of the week.  That also requires picking a meal and going grocery shopping every Sunday.

2.  I'm going to read 42 books this year.  That's about double what I read last year.

3.  I want to be a support to friends about the graduate, and make sure that I spend time with those who won't be in the area next year. 

4.  I want to make more connections with the people I work with; there's a reason I choose to work for an organization that's predominately young people.

5.  I'm going to continue writing letters to my brother. 

6.  I will share The Lizzie Bennet Diaries with everyone I know.  Seriously, it's amazing.  Everyone who's not watching is missing out. 

7.  I'm going to go places, even when there's dinner on the table.  

That's more like it.  On to March.


love,
hannah

Dear E12,

I only ever fly out of two gates in the Minneapolis-St Paul airport, the two gates that go Chicago. Usually I fly out of E14 in the middle of the day or the early afternoon. I've figured out which seats are far enough away from the TV that you don't have to listen to the horrible news stream.

But, E12 is the gate I leave from in the morning and the night. These flights run late and are often accompanied by a quiet, twitchy anxiousness. Flying into Chicago for 24 hours will do that to you. I hope I only have to do this one more time. I'm glad to be able to, but it's just so stressful and mournful.

Anyway, I'm headed to Chicago again. And the plane is late.


love,
hannah

Dear Lizzie Bennet Diaries,

I love TV, but I'm finding that web series offer more bang for your buck as it were.  Shorter episodes but more often and more fun.  The one that really got me going this year was The Lizzie Bennet Diaries.  I have shared it with others, but not that many have caught on.  So let me just take this opportunity on the 200th anniversary of the publication of Pride and Prejudice to share, the most recent episode was fantastic and the series as a whole is worth the several hours it will take to watch them all. 

Also, The Lizzie Bennet Diaries lead me to the Vlogbrothers which has distinctly colored my post-grad life.  The show also lead me back to reading and devouring books this summer.  The 1995 mini series definitely accompanied at least one packing job this summer.  Pride and Prejudice has played a recurring role in the last several months.  What a thing. 

Sometimes I think about that scene in You've Got Mail when she mentions that every time she reads Pride and Prejudice she isn't sure if Lizzie and Darcy will end up together or not.  And I remember thinking, but of course they get together! That's the book.  But as I come across the story again and again I too feel unsure of whether or not they will end up together.  But they do, every time.  And I don't believe it, but I find myself rooting for them and believing their relationship again and again.

Thanks Jane Austen.


love,
hannah

Dear ten minutes remaining,

This morning I left my house at 6:45 when there was no light in the sky, and watched the sun come up over St Paul from a classroom window.  Another practice ACT.  As boring as the test is, it is so much more boring to proctor it.  I even got a little work done this time, but it still was nothing.  I spent a lot of the morning texting people; students or other people who I knew were awake at this hour.  Having even just two students not show up is so disappointing. And frustrating.  But, it is only two students.  I'm so proud and amazed that these students get up on Saturday mornings to come take tests that they hate even though they don't have to.  They are the only things that keep them coming back. 

Ten minutes left.  Then they'll be done, and we'll clean up and I can go on with my day.  But really, these tests aren't as bad as I make them out to be.  In fact, once we get inside the school they're kinda fun.  I do like the part where I get to run down the school hallways with no one watching.  Although the school toilets flush automatically every twenty minutes or so and the clocks make a horrible noise on the hour. 

Maybe what's so interesting about this time is that it's all inner monologue.  When you're not taking the test there's nothing to occupy you or to challenge you so when you proctor you are left alone with four hours of silence.  What can you make of that time?

I have proven that I cannot do anything useful during this time.  At least I didn't nod off this time, because that also happens. 

This is post #300. 


love,
hannah

Dear tomato and arugula week,

I just bought more arugula and tomatoes at the grocery store than I needed to make this recipe.  So, clearly I'm going to have to find a way to infuse my diet this week with tomatoes and arugula.

It's not a New Year's Resolution per say, but I'm trying to find ways to eat better.  Partially because I just don't eat enough as it is.  So I should start picking out recipes on Sundays, going shopping and making something.  Cause I should eat something, dammit.  Today: a tomato, arugula and goat cheese frittata.  It smells really good, and I'm making it in the cast iron skillet gifted to me by my Granny- whose birthday is today! It feels very appropriate. 

After a kind of hectic week, it was good to settle into a low key weekend.


love,
hannah

Dear flu shots,

Are you an adult when you turn to your friends and say "Who wants to go get a flu shot with me tomorrow?" and you're not the one covering their face and running away? Is that what it means to be an adult? Is looking at your students and knowing that they will get you sick and willing to undergo needles a sign of maturity? I don't know what to say.  It surely wasn't easy. 

In other news I saw a student bus driver today.  I wondered why I had never seen one before and if bus drivers' education teachers are as horrible as the regular variety. 


love,
hannah

Dear January in Minnesota,

Yesterday, as I was riding back from the airport, I realized that I've never spent January in Minnesota.  I don't think that I've ever returned to Minnesota before the 25th, so I have no idea what a Minnesota January has in store for me.  My first though was, damn, it is going to be so cold.  Probably so much colder than I realize; I've never experienced it before. 

That may be true, but as I've settled into the idea of a Minnesotan January I've come to think that it has a lot of potential.  With the exception of one, I have spent the last several Januarys in bed.  (Watching excellent TV, so, time well spent.)  But today as I looked around my house, I had the energy to take care of all sorts of little things that I know I won't do as the year moves on.  There are some clean surfaces so that we can clutter them up as the year goes on.  I'm not ready to return to work and real life tomorrow, so instead I prepared everything else. 

I don't know what this January has in store for me.  The return of snobby TV for sure (Downton Abbey and Girls).  The promise of snow.  The promise of late buses.  The celebration of a new friend's birthday.  The next phase of work.  The search for summer enrichment.  The test of a no-chip manicure.  The onset of Valentine's Day.  The ever increasing distance of January.  The continued march of questions.

I do not know.  I do not know what awaits me in January in Minnesota.


love,
hannah