Dear eleven months,

As today comes to a close, I realized that today is April 12, exactly eleven months after graduation.  This year, which I dreaded, has almost come to end.  I've found a way to remember it, marked on my wrist in silver, but I almost forgot.

Somewhere along the way I stopped counting because it just became my life, and not my life after.

Last weekend I went to my last college party.  It was a friend's birthday and I wanted to catch up with friends, but as the party went on I realized I knew almost no one.  Or, I recognized them but now they were all grown up with friends and shmoozy party habits and not the loud freshman I remember.  I didn't want to dance, I wanted to sit and catch up in the corner.  I am old.  While I had fun, I realized I couldn't really go back anymore.

However, I learned a lot by talking to friends in the corner.  In part I learned that the communities I was a part of are still as crazy as ever, if not more so.  The more important part was speaking with friends who are coming up on their own graduation.  When I spoke with them in the fall I shared the only advice I had, "You're going to have all the feelings, all at once, all the time.  This seems to be completely normal."  But in the summer and fall I got vague responses, "yeah, I bet."  Now it is spring and the responses are completely different.  "I get it.  I can't describe it.  I can't leave.  I can't say... I don't know what to say."  In part I felt vindicated for all the feelings last year, and in part I was just their listener.

I have little advice, but here it is:
-You will have all of the feelings, all at once, all the time.
-You won't be able to properly describe it.
-You should find someone who gets it without you having to say every word.
-You should talk to them often.
-You should check in with your parents.
-You should leave the house.
-You should take deep breaths.
-You should let yourself cry.
-You should set small goals.
-You should celebrate the rediscovery of your Sunday.
-You should know that at some point you stop counting.
-You don't have to have a plan.

April really comes before May? For four years I feel like April came before finals which came before summer.  What is April into May? What will this be like?


love,
hannah