Dear locked knees,

Several years ago, I had the honor of holding the Torah during some portion of High Holiday services.  My parents were pleased that I had been chosen for this honor.  Different members of my family gave me various tips about what to do, since I would have to hold the Torah for a while (a while here being something like six minutes).  I think mostly their advice was to not lock my knees.  Cause it does something to your blood or something.  But, once I got up on to the bimah I wanted to be strong and to not waver while holding the Torah.  I'm pretty sure I must have locked my knees at some point, cause we get about halfway through the prayer and I start to feel funny.  I can't focus my vision and I feel very warm.  I believe this is called "woozy."  I don't remember the details of how it happened, due to the wooziness, but I handed off the Torah to the rabbi and held the prayer book so that he could read from it.  It was a little embarrassing since this was supposed to be "such an honor" but it faded fast.  I am not haunted by the experience of passing off the Torah. 

Today, I was at a rehearsal for What a Stranger May Know, which is an enormous play that commemorates the fifth anniversary of the Virigina Tech shooting.  I'm participating in the reading nearest me tomorrow morning.  And in rehearsal where we stood and read the piece for an hour, I probably locked my knees because somewhere around page ten I started to feel funny.  I couldn't focus on the words as much because I was trying to figure out if I could quickly reverse the effects of my knee stupidity.  (At least, I think that's what it was.)  I made it another ten pages before I really couldn't focus, and couldn't stand up anymore.  I excused myself from the reading to sit and breathe, and cool off.  This, like the Torah experience, was a little embarrassing because then the whole group took a break (partially so they could see if anyone was reacting like me, but I don't think there was anyone else).  When we returned to reading, I fidgeted often and paused more often to take deep breaths and make sure that my knees were bent. 

I am excited to be a part of this project tomorrow morning, but I need to give some thought to how I am going to maintain my body through this whole thing.  For one, I'm going to eat a better breakfast because I think my lack of food today definitely contributed to today's feelings of faintness. 

In other news, I'm obsessed with new albums by artists whose names begin with A.  Seriously, check out Andrew Bird's Break It Yourself and the Alabama Shakes Boys & Girls.  They are keeping a live on repeat. 


love,
hannah

Dear windows,

Recently, I shared my influence book.  One of my favorite pages is this first one. 
I liked that you could see my face, and through my eyes the water.  It felt like it captured my fascination with water and held a certain fixation on water.  Though that may not reflect me all the time, it does feel accurate sometimes. 

Though the image was brand new it felt like something I had seen before.  It felt very familiar but I couldn't tell you why. 

I've spent the last two nights at my grandparent's apartment in Hyde Park for our family's seder.  Many of the windows of their apartment look out on to Lake Michigan, and I remember staring out them as a kid.  (The strangest thing was that you could never hear the water.  You could only see it, so sometimes it felt like someone had turned off the sound on a movie.)  As I was sitting at the table for the seder I looked up and saw where the image from my influence book had come from! There are three sets of two windows in the apartment that look out over Lake Michigan; when seen from the right angle Chicago disappears and you are left alone with the horizon.  There it was! That was the image from my influence book! I had not dreamt it, the image  was real! It was beautiful to see my influence book laid out before me. I tried to take a picture to accompany this post, but the room was too dark and the water was too bright.  Maybe I'll try another day. 

In other news, job searching late at night is confusing, but can be quite fruitful. But also, it is stressful because you send out emails at two in the morning on Sunday knowing that there is no way to get a response any time soon.  You must sit and wait. 

But, that's everything right now.  Sitting and waiting.  Or, as I shared with a friend today, what would Jewish holidays be without repetition and wine? Not much, that's everything.  "Let's do it again, now let's have some wine.  (We survived!)"


love,
hannah

Dear Maria Irene Fornes,

I am Facebook stalking you? How cool is that? Why have I never done this before? Look where Facebook stalking my professors leads me... right into stalking playwrights and feminist theorists that I love. 

Wait, and now a Boal?

I am a theater nerd, but a completely different theater nerd than I was four years ago.

I have work to do.  And I have to pack.  And I must give a tour tomorrow.  And I can't stop listening to Andrew Bird's newest album.


love,
hannah

Dear influences,

I made this book during spring break retreat a few weeks ago, and I'm particularly fond of it.  By no means do I think it encompasses all of my influences, but they were what came to me in the moment, and I'm curious about what made it into the book.  And, I think it's really beautiful and I want to share it, because I don't know how to easily bring into conversation so that I could show it to someone.  So instead, I'm showing it to the blog. 

The cover.  See? Sea and space.  And my heart, somewhere in the middle.

This is a doodle I came up with, at camp, to represent my face with as little detail as possible.  Somewhere I have a mask of this.

Water. (You can see the horizon through my eyes on the page before) I love water

To the Tree!

I've been a part of the Young Artist Program for four years as a student and then two as a mentor.  YAP lead me to some very important friends and teachers, and shaped how I make art and friends.

Sweet home

Chicago (in color!)

A doodle developed in high school that I draw all the time.  All representative of lots of different directions and confusion. 

I loved fairies as a kid.  Loved em.  So while they mean less to me now, they found their way into the book.

Another fairy page.  This time with the phrase "First we form the world around us, and then it forms us." For we have powerful imaginations, but we can forget that.

As a classic Libra I struggle to find balance and make decisions. 

Jellyfish freak me out.  Big time.  But they are also some of the most beautiful creatures.  I just don't want to get too close. 

Jellyfish as a skirt.  I only wore skirts until third grade.  In fact, it was so intense that I wore a tutu over my pajamas every night so that I was always wearing a skirt.

From my mother I've inherited a love of cowboy boots, even if we aren't in the right region. 

The stage!

How I see the stage: less formal.  Lots of yes and. 

The blue doors of important places I've lived.

The Doctor, the flies and Berk Berk; a brief homage to the last four years.

My camel obsession.  Recent but important.

My heart broke open...

and history fell in.  This line is from my favorite book, The Ground Beneath Her Feet by Salman Rushdie.  The personal history: I save all of my fortune cookie fortunes, hoping that one day I will look back at them and they will all make sense. 

love,
hannah

Dear problems,

A dude I don't have that much respect for brought everything into perspective yesterday.  He was oversharing, and in justifying his overshare he said this: We've all got problems.  To me: You've got to figure out your life.  To my friend Salima: Your dad is mad cause you don't wear a headscarf anymore.  To himself: And my balls itch.  We've all got problems. 

We do sir, but I don't think your balls are on par with her hijab or my career.  Just sayin.


love,
hannah

Dear Amy Pond,

I didn't know how attached to you I was until they announced the new companion.  I knew that you were leaving and I didn't have much of a reaction then, but now... You better be good lady Jenna-Louise Coleman.

And I was just saying the other day that I now follow tv less obsessively than before...


love,
hannah

Dear kid who gave me a sugar covered strawberry at lunch,

You are my new favorite lunch buddy.  We would get along so well.

As a side note, I love the days when my parents call me separately within an hour of each other.  Often to say the same thing.  They're so in sync.  I love you guys.


love,
hannah