Dear acting,

So I had an interesting moment today.  After seemingly scheduling a teacher for the teen class at the camp where I work, we discovered mid-day today that there was some sort of confusion and she would not be able to teach the class.  This happens to be our busiest two weeks and we are more short-staffed than usual, so this discovery was about to throw our very delicate machine completely off.  The class happened to be sketch comedy and improv, which is one of the few things in the world that I know anything about, so I offered my ability to step in should the class need that, which turned into me skipping most of my normal duties, skipping my break, running down an alley and plopping myself down as leader of this improv class. (It should also be known that there are only four kids in this class.)  After about an hour or more of games, we took a break for snack and so I could gather my thoughts.  But, since there are only four students, break turns into me talking to them.  One student asks, "Did you always know you wanted to be an actor?" and in my mind I froze.  How in the world do I answer this question?

Well kid, I did not always want to be an actor, although there was a five year period where it was my greatest wish and it consumed my daydreams, but that's over now.  But you should be an actor! It's just not for me; I learned early on that the irregular schedule and rejection and process of auditioning was not for me.  But it is a noble profession! I'm not that excited by it now, which is really okay with me.  But it is such fulfilling work, you should be an actor!

That answer would not do.  Instead, I gave her an answer that was perhaps more honest.

I never told anyone what I wanted to be when I was younger for fear that they would remember and then when I did not achieve the incredible ranks of astronauts and ballerinas they would recall my dreams and I would be a failure.  If I never told anyone they could never see me fail/succeed in becoming that lauded profession.  And that's been true of a lot of things, I did the same thing when choosing a college and a major.  

Again, this answer was insufficient, but it was what I offered this thirteen year old.  She laughed and we agreed generally that this was a weird habit and way of looking at the world and we moved on.  But I should have said something like this:

Well kid, acting is incredible work and I am inspired and captivated by it, and should the chance ever come along for me to do it again, I probably would; but it's not my work and I don't want to be an actor.  For once in my life I've finally started telling people who I want to be and what I want to do with my life.  I'm talking with teachers and mentors and parents and writing papers that share what I want to be and why it's important to me.  And that's really new.  About the time when I started wanting to be an actor I learned from those that served as my teachers that you also have to teach to supplement the money you're not making from acting.  And about the time I realized that I didn't want to be an actor, I realized that I still loved theater and the process of creating new work with words and bodies and that I wanted to teach theater more than anything.  Because I think the changes and confidences that come from working with theater and creating your own plays, particularly when you're a teenager, are some of the most valuable and incredible experiences I had, and I want to give other folks younger than me that chance.  I don't want to be an actor, I want to be a teaching artist.  It means more to me to teach than to go through that incredible high of performing for a live audience onstage.  No one wants to be a teaching artist when they're young, but now I'm young-but-not-as-young-as-before and I want to be a teaching artist.  So why am I not working as a teaching artist next year? Because I finally told people.  And kid, this is where my argument wears thin a bit, I'm not doing what I'm telling people I want to do because when I do become a teaching artist that's for real and that's forever and that's a lot of big decisions that I'm not ready to make right now.  I'm not an actor.  I'm really honored that you think I'm an actor.  But you should be an actor.  I will never tell you not to be an actor.  

That answer might also be insufficient, but that's the one that closest to the truth.  I had a blast teaching your class today with no plans prepared, and that's pretty close to what I would like to do for the rest of my life.  

I would also have liked to have been an astronaut, but that concentric circle, zero G, vomit-inducing looking thing at space camp was enough to turn me off. 


love,
hannah