My cousin became a bat mitzvah today. I wasn't there, she's in Chicago and I'm in Minnesota. It's not an event that I feel terribly sad about missing, but it is another reminder of what living far away from my family means. It felt different when I was bound by my schedule as a student, but different now that I've made the choice to be elsewhere. I know why I made this decision, but it doesn't feel different enough yet. I've moved into a camp job which is very similar to the other summer camp jobs I've worked every summer ever. I need it to be September because in September I won't return to school as a student and I won't have homework. I also haven't yet moved into a new place so there's the strange feeling of being at home knowing it is no longer your home. That was a big scary feeling. And I really wasn't sure that I could handle three days of this feeling and being mostly alone in the house. Instead I have escaped to a friend's home nearby where I spend the weekend with her family thinking about the various reasons we move around, or away.
I keep trying to write. Or at least, I feel an urge to document the feelings of this time two weeks post-graduation. There are a lot of feelings. Some days are very weepy, thankfully I think that phase has mostly passed. Instead there are a lot of empty days waiting for summer to really begin and then waiting for summer to be over so the rest of my life can begin. Summer is summer until we don't go back to school. This is a strange time and I'm basically incapable of describing the feelings. There are a lot of them.
love,
hannah
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