Dear Gossip Girl Finale,

Deus ex machina.


love,
hannah

Dear six months after graduation,

I began this post a while ago with the intention of posting it on the date exactly six months after graduation, but as the day drew closer I felt pretty and didn't feel like it was worth reflecting on the last six months. But, I'm feeling a little better now and I am determined to find the things that have developed in the last six months, good an bad, to tak stock of what has felt like much of the same that I didn't know before. Does that make sense? Nothing is really all tr surprising, or necessarily stands out, but that doesn't mean that there's not things to mark.

It has been six months since graduation. What have I done with those six months of being a "real adult"? Let's see

I listened to a lot of The Head and the Heart. Mostly "Rivers and Roads. Sometimes accompanied by tears.

I have moved twice.

I significantly improved my dental hygiene. I am now a regular flosser.

I found a way to arrange all the same artwork (read: magazine cut outs and postcards) that has decorated my walls for the last few years that feels a little more mature.

I have memorized hundreds of students' names.

I've gotten more comfortable speaking on the phone with people I don't know.

I've had a couple Oscar worthy crying moments.

I have kept in touch with friends.

I have not kept in touch with friends.

I've had a couple of surprising bills.

I have not spent enough time outside.

I have read a ton.

I've lost some of my collegiate vocabulary. My sentences aren't constructed quite as well as they used to be.

I discovered I don't like meetings.

I like dressing up for work.

I've developed the necessary "bitch face" for riding the bus.

I've had some unhealthy eating habits.

I've celebrated the full moon.

I've set more goals that I probably have, ever.

I speak in a probably annoying manner to college seniors to the inevitable mess they will soon become.

I've thought a lot about the place of place in my life.

I was offered a legit kitten.

I turned down the kitten.

I've learned to maintain a fairly regular sleep cycle.

I've journaled, both purposely and half-heartedly.

I've not really considered online dating.

I hope to transition away from bed centered lounging, reminiscent of dorm life, and into couch centered lounging.

I haven't seen a lot of movies.

I believe that the decisions I made have been the right decisions for me.

I don't like short stories. They are an excuse to pack as much melancholy into as little pages as possible. And no, some English major at work is not going to convince me otherwise.

I watched Girls. That was a confusing experience.

I've begun to see people around me get engaged.

I've introduced Gossip Girl into the lives of several room mates.

I've felt really lucky.

I've felt really lonely.

I biked, but I don't really feel like a biker.

I've broken or lost some of my favorite pieces of jewelry.

I used some excellent pens and was gifted a Wishbone pencil.

I looked good.

I talked shit about people.

I saw some great theatre for very little money.

I haven't missed being a part of theatre as much as I thought I would.

I've found myself as the only Jew in more and more situations.

I've heard the echoes of my mother's voice in my own.

I had contemplated the value and meaning and complications of service.

I've been awkward.

I've brought people together.

I went out for beer.

I went inside a Summit avenue house.

I've wondered about how you make friends outside of the context of school.

I've gone back and forth about the value of cars many many times.

I've made people laugh.

I am now a reference for people.

I've delved into more and more Jane Austen.

I'm doing alright.

I've, unsurprisingly, watched a lot of tv.

I'm trying to not use the fact that I know this year will probably suck as an excuse to let it suck. But I know that things are going to get better, that some of these things are just a matter of time. Things will settle and sort themselves out and we must ride out the transitional time. I know this year is hard. So, here's hoping the next six months lead you in that direction.

love,
hannah

Dear four years,

Last election day, I didn't vote.  I voted early in Illinois and my father basically handed me a list and said, "Here's who I think you should vote for."  I didn't know then that election means more than the president.

Last election day I was rewarded for voting with a bouncy castle.

Last election day I had to run from watching results to a tech rehearsal.  Our rehearsal was delayed by almost an hour while we celebrated on the lawn.  (It was much warmer than it is today.)  During this whole event, I was dressed as a golfer.

Last election day, I had just begun college.  I was falling asleep in class at least once a week.  I was starting to really feel comfortable with the people who were becoming my friends.  A big four years for me.  I took my first Black Studies class during Obama's first 100 days in office.  I learned to stay awake in class.  I, like so many of the other 18-26 that got President Obama elected the first time, there was a time in those four years when I wasn't so impressed.  I felt like there wasn't the change I had been promised.  I was going to write in February about how I was simply not invested in this election, and then, like so many women, the insane conversations in the beginning of 2012 pulled me back in.  I am now a college graduate with a degree in something generally regarded as an unwise choice.  I am AmeriCorps member, which thankfully means that I'm not unemployed.  I have almost nothing figured out, but things are going pretty well. 

Last election day, I watched the results with a great sense of celebration.

Last election day, I thought it would be the most exciting and engaging election of my lifetime.

This election day, I think that that is not true.  

This election day, I watched the results with a tense feeling in my stomach.  In the end I felt relieved, did a little dance and tried to convince myself to go to sleep so that I can stay awake tomorrow.

This election day, I walked to the polls with my roommates after two days of anxiety dreams where I wasn't allowed to vote.  (Being split between two different states is a real challenge sometimes.)  I brought my own list of candidates to vote for since there were lots of things on the ballot.

This election day, I voted on matters that aren't a complete given; the two Constitutional amendments in Minnesota have been a huge topic of conversation for the last six months and I was glad to vote against them after months and months of "VOTE NO" stickers.

This election day, I left the polls, made myself a real breakfast, took three buses to work and then couldn't tell any of my students who I voted for. 

This election day, I had Gossip Girl (Season One) on one TV and election coverage on mute on a laptop.  There was too much drama in that room.

This election day, I'm reconsidering four years.  At graduation I thought, "Great! This is the last time I will measure my life in four year chunks.  I finished high school and college on time, but now there's nothing left to finish on time!"

I may no longer have things to finish on time, but there are still ways to measure life in four year periods. So, here's to four more years of YouTube with fewer political ads.

Next election day, I don't know what will happen.  Though, I will probably be voting in Illinois!


love,
hannah

Dear albino squirrel,

On my college campus there lived an albino squirrel. It was kind of famous, the kind of thing you would announce once you arrived in class. I never once saw it. I felt a little left out, or like I was always looking in the opposite direction of the squirrel.

Well, I will have you know that in the last week alone I have had three albino squirrel sightings. None of them have been on my college campus and I have no way of knowing whether or not it is the same squirrel, but I have now seen it.

I don't know, it's nice to know that it's real and not some shares elaborate lie to trick people into endlessly looking through the tree branches.


love,
hannah

Dear living young,

This is gonna be scattered, but go with me.  This is what it feels like.

Can I request a mash-up? Because One Direction's "Live While We're Young" and Ke$ha's "Die Young" are just calling for a mash-up.  NOTE: I should search before I say these things, these mash-ups already exist. They're both just so catchy.  I'm doomed to listen to them on repeat tomorrow on the bus.

Today, I think I met my personal best for Facebook action.  I believe that in the span of 24 hours I accrued over 60 likes on just four different posts.  That's what we call building my internet presence.  And knowing my audience. 

I received pity cookies from a student.  At least, I think that's what we can call them.  Yesterday I said that if I got $10,000 I would spend some of it on furniture my house is seriously lacking.  We don't even have a couch to lie down on, so it's been on my mind.  Today I got cookies with a post it note, "Cause you're poor and need furniture.  Here's some cookies."  Earlier today I Skyped with a friend while making cookies for my students tomorrow.  It's all going to work out, I've just got to keep multitasking.

And, finally, a few weeks ago I ran into a professor of mine unexpectedly.  She's one of my most important teachers and I'm only just now realizing that I hadn't seen her since before graduation.  I wrote her an email later, and in her response: "wonderful to see you, too, you look so well and even, dare I say, *happy* -- ?!  Hooray!"  And I've got to say, that's exactly what it feels like.  Dare I say that I feel this happy? After all of the concern and anxiety and plans, I feel this happy? I'm not going to say it's unfair, but it's more than I expected for October.  It has been rough, and there have been tears, meals that went straight to the trash can, and more than a few surprising bills, but I finally feel happy and settled in a way that I didn't anticipate.  I do attribute some of this feeling to the structure that working in a school imposes; that and designated reading time on the bus.  I suppose I thought that this sense of calm couldn't come for a good year or so, but I'm glad to say that it's here now. 

There's just not enough time in the day to everything I want to do.  But, as I'm reading Age of Miracles, the idea of a day is much more confusing and potentially terrifying.

I'll stick with the days that I have and try to get to bed before midnight.  Living young isn't what I expected and for right now, dare I say, I am content to roll with it.


love,
hannah

Dear proctoring the ACT,

Excuse me this comparison, but proctoring the ACT is like being the Doctor and being forced to experience time in a linear fashion. When you're taking the ACT of course it is long, but that time is filled. When all you can do is sit and watch people take the test it becomes dead boring and the time just drags on and on. And I'm even allowed reading material! (Which traditional proctors are not allowed.) We are exactly ten minutes into the math section, and there is no end in sight. I will get to do this once a month for the rest of the year.


love,
hannah

Dear 22 books,

As you may or may not know, I am a huge Goodreads fan.  When I explain the site to people I sometimes get the response "Why in the world would you want to do that online?" I don't know! But it makes me so happy.  I can maintain a list of all the books I want to read and keep track of what I've already read.  Last night I introduced two of my new roommates to the site and they are already hooked.  I am very pleased. 

One of the functions of the site was to create a goal for reading in 2012.  How many books did I want to read? I said 22, then balked and went down to 20, then when I got on a reading roll I moved it back up to 22.  Well, today, I finished book 22! (Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen)

On to book 23! (White Teeth by Zadie Smith.  I think.  I haven't started yet.)


love,
hannah